A Complex...?

Easter... ahhh... How every holiday used to be such a momentous occasion. It is still fun, but it seems like the pizazz has left. The blissful days of childhood are lost forever, but no use crying over spilt milk. I think I have a problem. I enjoy driving and I loathe it all at the same time. I will set out telling myself each time that this time will be different. I will relax and listen to some mood music and enjoy the ride. I can collect my thoughts best when I am behind the wheel, but I never want cars to pass me. I feel like everyone on the road that passes me needs to be run off the road. As if they are all being huge assholes and deserve to be side-swiped. I get antsy and bothered when someone gets in front of me. So then, I shrug it off because I know it is not something that should bother me at all and I keep driving. Usually at night the lights of the cars behind me bother my eyes immensely, so I end up pulling my mirrors down to a non-reflective state.

Today was an enjoyable ride on the road. Very few other cars, which helps me collect myself and feel like I am alone. The busy roads of the city are stressful, especially when semi trucks are abundant. Their slow moving vehicles are abhorrent and dissuasive to me and my calm. Needless to say, I cannot stand driving at 5pm during the week as I wish I had a rocket propelled grenade launcher on the roof of my car with a fire button next to the shifter. We all need help in some way or another, but what I have is not a condition. I have complete control over my actions, but I am still unable to do the things I would like to do because I lack the motivation to do so. I do put others first, but to no avail. Being emotionally devoid is not a choice, but rather an escape mechanism. I do not have to feel bad, however I would like to feel good sometimes, but I digress.

Anyway, check out Nine Inch Nails - Ghost. Excellent stuff, Trent. You have redeemed yourself.

Blah

I knew I wouldn't update this thing that often, but every once in awhile, if I've had a beer or two... or I've huffed a can of paint... I get the urge to become a professional writer. Albeit, not a very good one either.

I cannot stand people. I've brought up this discussion yesterday at work about how I truly dislike other people. Why can't I just deal with the people I want to? I am sick of outside influence and just other people in general. I live a nearly meaningless existence right now and things are never totally insured in my life. My job is, for the most part, like wet cement. It'll dry over time I suppose, but as long as I am consider part-time they can trod and walk on me and distort my shape. Usually with the unexpected cut of hours or the like, which always pisses me off. Then yet another dilemma in my existence is my existence in itself. I go to work, come home, read and research things, do this and that at home that never truly accomplishes anything. My days off are spent with me being under appreciated for the things I do and work toward and I am regarded as a "bad guy," in a sense.

Now I've lost the motivation to even keep writing, even though I've so much to say...

And we're off, with a video:

Every once in a blue moon I will come back to this same survey and do it, just to see how I stack up in comparison to how I used to...

Results:

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Very High
Schizoid Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Disorder:	High
Antisocial Disorder:	High
Borderline Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Disorder:	Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Disorder:	High
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
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